Rick Cantelli, P.I. (Rick Cantelli, P.I. Detectives Book 1) Read online

  Stacy glanced up bleary-eyed. “I’ve been in the crapper since I left that shitty home town of ours. Sex, drugs, rock & roll were just the start. The finish was two weeks ago when I crossed those guys during a drug deal. I distribute. They collect. Instead, I distributed and collected.”

  She shrugs and waves a hand in the air. “Like an idiot, I celebrated after leaving a trail any moron could have followed. I woke upside down, with those two giving me lessons on what flaying alive means. I told them you were holding the money for me down here, and volunteered to get it for them.”

  “Well, on the bright side, you gave me a hug before they would have shot me. Woot!”

  Stacy starts to cry. I pat her shoulder and stand up. My milk of human kindness turned sour long ago. The sirens arrive. Two PD call out to me. I tell them the situation. They advance quickly up the stairs and then clear Stacy’s room. By then Staley arrives. He’s a solid guy, late thirties, trying to hold his family and marriage together with both fists. I shake hands with him.

  “Lo filled me in on what got you here. What’s your girlfriend’s game, drugs or money?”

  Another cynic. “Both. Can I give you my Ruger, Bill? It’s nearly brand new.”

  Staley holds out an evidence bag. I pop the clip, clear the chamber, and drop it all in. “I’ll have to cuff you along with your old acquaintance until we get all the details straight.”

  “I know.” I help Stacy to her feet. “This is Detective Staley. He’ll read you your rights, and take us in. I’ll be riding with you cuffed in the backseat of his car. Do me a favor and pretend we’re strangers.”

  * * *

  Lois arrives after the interrogations are over at the station. I’m snoozing on a bench when she bumps me awake. “Hey… Don Juan Cantelli, let’s go get your car. Hell of a day, you romantic bastard.”

  I stood up and stretched. “Hey, I got her number. That’s a start.”

  “You did what?” Lois grabs me by the ear, yanking me toward the exit amidst loud laughter amongst the onlookers. “If I ever see you with that bitch, I’ll shoot you myself!”

  Okay, I’m enjoying this, even though my ear’s getting numb. “But Lo… old girlfriends are hard to come by. Besides, what about your curiosity?”

  Lois growled. “I swear to God I’m going to get an ‘I’m with stupid’ jacket to wear whenever I’m around you.”

  “Better than a black dress for my funeral.” Yeah, I played THAT card. It works.

  Lois stops, lets me go, and pats my cheek. “Okay… you got me on that. Frank’s sister’s staying with us for a week. I’ll have you over for dinner when she’s here.”

  “What’s in it for me?”

  “Fifty bucks.”

  Not bad. “Deal.”

  Chapter 2: Intervention and Plumbing

  I finish starting the coffee, happily knowing it’s only a little after five in the AM, and I can enjoy a couple peaceful hours before heading over to my office. Then the knock on the house door reminds me never to take anything for granted. I’m in my black PJ bottoms and a grey t-shirt. Good enough. Peaking through my door’s wide angle peep hole, I see my partner Lois and her husband Frank standing on my doorstep. Wonderful. An index finger pokes my spy eye.

  “Open up, Cantelli. I know you’re standing there.”

  This is not good. I open the door a crack. “Hey Lo, how you doin’? Frank? What in hell did the harpy do to get you over here at this ungodly hour, my friend?”

  Frank laughs. He’s mister everyman: medium height, weight, disposition, and still has his hair at sixty. Plus, he has a sense of humor, which he needs being married to Lois. “Same old, same old, Rick: blackmail.”

  He gets a quick glance of the Gorgon before she turns back to me. “Invite us in, you schmuck. I hope you have coffee.”

  “Now’s not a good time, Lo. I’ll be in early. How’s that?”

  “This is an intervention. Get out of the way.” Lois juts an arm through the small opening in the door, and bludgeons her way inside, peering around with her fists clenched.

  I start cracking up. Yeah, I’m easily entertained, but this visit has all the ingredients of a comedy act. Frank starts snorting while turning away to hide it. “If you give me a hint of what-”

  Then, out comes Stacy, yawning while stretching with only a flimsy black negligee on. Shit! She sleeps like the dead in the morning. Today, she’s awake, chirping away. “Hi… what’s going on, Rick?”

  “Thank God, we’re in time, Frank,” Lois snarls while focusing eyebeam death-rays at Stacy. “Get a robe on you middle aged tart!”

  That slapped Stacy awake. She glanced open mouthed at me before retreating into the bedroom. Lois goes in my kitchen and begins pouring coffee into mugs from my cupboard.

  “Hey, instead of coffee, how about a cup of mind your own fracking business, Lo?” I take the cup she offers anyway. I sip while considering my ill conceived plan to hide my dalliance with a former flame from forty years ago, who set me up to have my head blown off. I keep sipping.

  The three of us stand in silence. The coffee seems to soothe rather than further aggravate my upset partner. Luckily, Stacy doesn’t emerge from the bedroom. Lois takes a deep breath and turns on me.

  “What the hell’s gotten into you, Rick? The woman had every intention of letting two drug dealers maim and kill you. You can bet she’s angling to get into your accounts when you drop your guard.”

  I just nod and keep sipping. What the hell else can I do? She’s right. The annoying part is Lois knows I’ve been around the block a few times. The fact she thinks Stacy could con me means she may think I’m in the early stages of dementia. Over three decades working with her, first as my handler in the Company when she was counterintelligence, and then our own security and investigations firm. But hey, good friends are nearly impossible to come by and keep all this time. I have to be careful here.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t keep you apprised of my sex life, Lo. I made a few videos. Would you like to see them just to catch up?”

  That was it for Frank. He starts howling in laughter while trying not to drop his cup. I see Lois’s face fight a losing battle to keep her grim reaper persona. It’s good to be a sarcastic smartass once in a while to lighten the mood. Then Stacy comes out. There’s some good news. So much for the lightened mood.

  “Can… can I have a cup of coffee, Rick?” She’s eyeing Lois, who is blocking her way to the coffee machine with trepidation.

  I put my cup on the counter and fix her one the way she likes it. After I hand it to her, she sits down at the table. I sit down next to her while Frank and Lois sit across from us. One big happy family. I explain things to Stacy.

  “My partner Lois and husband Frank believe you’re here waiting for a chance to empty my accounts while I’m not looking.”

  Stacy gasps in a credible way, which draws an uneasy look from Frank, and an eye roll from Lois. “I… I would never do that to Rick! He saved my life.”

  Well, at least the second part’s true. “My friends need a little proof I haven’t completely lost my mind, Stace. Sorry. I have a software program to back trace every key stroke on my computer here. She tried to get into my files but couldn’t. I’ve locked everything I own worth a damn in my gun vault at night and before I leave for work. Yes, she’s searched while she thought I was sleeping. I keep only three credit cards. They’re in lock down unless by point of purchase, and I have not left them out of my sight for any moment they’re not in the vault.”

  By this time Frank and Lois are grinning, and that cute cunning look of annoyance I get flashed by Stacy when she thinks I’m not looking is covering her features now. I shrug. Lois stands while pointing at Stacy.

  “I’m glad Rick here is still thinking with his larger head. Now that we have the cards face up on the table, you wanker, if anything happens to him before he finally sends you on your way, I will hunt your ass down. Believe me, girlfriend, you don’t want that. I’m old school like Al Capone. I on
ly need a pair of pliers and a blow torch to make memories.”

  Stacy stares in horror at Lois and quickly looks away. She recognizes a real threat when she hears one. Frank smiles while following his wife to the door. “My kid sister liked you, Rick. She wished she could have stayed longer. Maybe she’ll move out once she sells the house back in Wisconsin. See ya’.”

  “Thanks for stopping by, Frank. Hey, harpy, this doesn’t let you off the hook for insulting me.”

  Lois doesn’t bother glancing back. “I’ll do two Our Father’s, two Hail Mary’s and make a good act of contrition… right after I barf my breakfast up.”

  Good thing I wasn’t expecting much of an apology. Stacy is moping in that con artist’s type reality where they pretend they’re the injured party. “See it from my point of view, Stace. I couldn’t have kept this going much longer anyway. Sooner or later my home video feed would have caught those two knuckleheads you recruited to steal everything not tied down once you figured the big score wasn’t in the cards for you. This way we can have an amiable cup of coffee together, and then I’ll help you pack.”

  Stacy grabs my arm, tears rolling down her cheeks. I’m touched. “Don’t do this, Rick. I’m sorry. I was afraid. We’re just getting started. Don’t tell me you aren’t feeling anything. When you… make love to me… it’s like we’re kids again.”

  That’s so sweet. I walk over to her purse on my living room table and retrieve my rather expensive bug. “You’re all clear. Sorry, I had to track you, but I needed an idea of where you would go to recruit some moving help. I have some neato pictures of you with your recruits over at the Wildcat Lounge. Let’s not make this into something pathetic. I had a good time. I’ll even believe you had some fun. Come on, and let’s get your belongings together. I’ll drop you at the bus station and stake you a couple hundred until you can find another flop house in LA.”

  Stacy jumps angrily away from the table. She strides into the bedroom, outraged at my unfeeling tact. “You’re a real bastard, Rick!”

  “And then some, Honey, and then some.” I follow her into the bedroom just to make sure she doesn’t sneak my light bulbs into her bag.

  * * *

  I skip greetings when I get into the office except to say good morning to our front desk lady, Shelly Fontenot. She snorts at me and waves after my morning greeting. Apparently tightlipped Lois just couldn’t resist sharing her morning adventure in Rick land with others.

  “Good morning, Mr. Cantelli,” Shelly plays the formal card on me. She’s five feet six, buxom, dark hair, dark eyes, single mom, and around forty-eight.

  Yeah, I’ve thought about it. Too young for me, and she’s a damn good front office secretary. “Good morning, Moneypenny. Does M want to see me?”

  She chuckles at my James Bond trivia. “N…no, Rick. Shall I page her for you, 007?”

  “I’ve seen quite enough of M for one morning, Moneypenny. I will be in my office perusing today’s operations if you need me.”

  “Rick?”

  I turn back to the desk at the sound of her very cute Moneypenny type voice.

  “Why don’t we have a drink together?”

  I grin. That’s two insults by my good buddy Lois in one morning. “I can understand Lois pulling this crap, but I’m shocked you agreed to it, Shell.”

  Shelly tries to look confused and outraged, fails, and laughs with a surrender gesture. “Okay… that wasn’t too smart. Lo caught me unawares with her Cantelli tales this morning. I have thought about it though, Rick. We’ve been working together for two years. How come you haven’t asked me out? I know you’ve checked me out.”

  “I’m old, Shell, not blind. You’re an incredibly good secretary. You’re too young for me, and I had a drink with you at the last Christmas party. In fact, I carried you down to my car, took you home, and carried you into your house, all without waking your son and daughter.”

  Shelly blushed. “I screwed the pooch that night.”

  “Was it good for him too?”

  She laughed. “Damn it, Rick. Did you not think I may have over indulged because I was nervously coming on to you? Thank you, by the way, for taking me home. My two teenaged brats got a real kick out of seeing their hung over Mom the next morning. You certainly didn’t need to install a security system the next day.”

  “Yeah, I did. When I saw how easy it was to get in that night, I told Lois you were an accident waiting for a place to happen. Anyway, we had our drink. Lois will be out to annoy the hell out of you the moment I enter my office. Tell her I said to leave you alone or the next rumor circulating will be from my private Lois files.”

  “You should have asked me out the next day for gratitude sex.”

  Oh mama. Great, now I have that to think about the rest of the day. I slapped a stern look on my face. “If you ever harass me like this again, Moneypenny, I will be forced to take it up with the labor relations board.”

  Shelly, bowed her head slightly. “Yes, James.”

  * * *

  In my office, I get lost in reports and new setups on the schedule. There’s a theft problem at one of our best client’s firms they want me to check out for them. That seemed interesting and time consuming. They are a huge plumbing warehouse with all sizes of trucks in and out all day long. Thinking about it, and remembering our security installation in the warehouse, I had one of those epiphanies while reading their loss list. It was all high end cabinets and the essentials that went with them. That meant it wasn’t some dodo selling the merchandise for scrap. They had lucked into the discovery because an accounting error had forced someone with half a brain to notice the inventory difference. Although they had a security team, if they wanted us in on it, that meant they were none too sure of who the inside problem was.

  In a few keystrokes I had their office employee list. Only a few more moments later, using Lois’s worm in the counterintelligence database, I geek my way into their bank accounts. One guy has big problems, and a familiar name he keeps paying off. I get out quickly before I overstay my welcome, and attract a visit from the MIB’s.

  I heard familiar chirping laughter outside my office, knowing it was my partner, the mocking bird. Lois walked in without knocking and plopped into a chair across from me. She’s waiting for me to give her my attention. I don’t. Then the clucking, grunting, and finally growling are emitted in an escalating crescendo from Ms. Mocking Bird. When I still don’t look up, she reaches across and gives me a ‘Shoulda had a V8’ pop in the forehead’.

  “Well, what did you do with the skank, handcuff her to your toilet?”

  I may have chuckled at that one. “I dropped her off at the bus station with a few bucks. She could have stayed another couple weeks before my con was discovered, harpy.”

  “You really were on top of it. What about helpers? If-”

  I turn my laptop toward her, punching into my security feed, showing the inside and outside of my apartment. “You’re thinking because I’ll soon be entering my seventh decade that I’ve gotten senile.”

  “Actually I was wondering if you needed pharmaceutical help to get it up with that old chippie.”

  Okay, that was funny. When I could speak I addressed the question. “No, I was fine until you and Frank made your unscheduled visit this morning. If your back’s still okay, are you up for a little field work. I like the office staff for this Spangler Plumbing theft problem. I thought we’d go over and place a few of our wireless beauties in surreptitious places while we have one of the bosses walk us around as if he’s giving us a tour.”

  Lois leaned forward. “I like it. No one has the entrance code except for the three partners. You think one of the office people has a decoder that sophisticated to get by our setup?”

  “Nope. When I installed their system I checked the gateway software they have on the computers and laptops used by employees and bosses. It’s all standard, including the program for checking where each employee goes on the Internet, and their keystrokes. I already know that
program’s been hacked, and someone in the office is getting the new security code every time they change it. They’re being careful, only taking a couple grand a month, but we can nab them.”

  “Let’s do this. I’ll handle the cameras while we take the tour. Why don’t we install them when everyone’s gone… oh you’re worried they’re watching their backs?”

  “Aren’t you? Maybe I’m not the one getting senile.”

  Lois gags, trying to mix outrage and humor. “You prick! I always knew you should have been in counterintelligence with me.”

  You’re not getting off that easy. “Good Lord, girlfriend, even a modicum of common sense would have put you in a more observant position to solve this plumbing puzzle, and here you are, grousing around in the trivia jungle. This will be fun. Let’s go over there and compete. I bet I can pick out the perp before you even look them over.”

  Lois chuckled, waving me off. “You’ve already found the perp.”

  Nuts. “How’d you know?”

  “The second you said the program was hacked,” Mocking Bird gloated. “Who is it?”

  “It’s the sales manager, Vince Stassin. He’s up to his eyeballs in debt. I know his bookie too: Hal Santiago.”

  “Santiago?” Lois cackles for a moment. “I have more shit on him than the pigeons do on that State street dolphin statue at Stearns Wharf. I’ll find out exactly how much he’s into Hal for. We get him on video and we can wrap it for the PD and Spangler’s. They won’t have any trouble getting a warrant for his bank accounts. Luckily for you, they won’t need to know how you found out their boy Stassin was in debt. That’s damn good, Rick. You did that all since coming in here after blowing off my girl, Shelly?”

  Another insult. “Yeah, I move a little faster than you do, Ms. Counterintelligence. We still need to go get our cameras in place, so let’s go.”

  “I’m bringing Shelly along. I want her to get a little field work experience.”

  Okay, this is not good. Lois never messes with business. “Are you mental? This isn’t the Newbie Express. You can yank my chain some other time, Lo.”